as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
