totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
