Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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