Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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