Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
