At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
