There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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