I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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