Cold hands, warm shart.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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