Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize