so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
