Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
