Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
