My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
