The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
