i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
