I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
