Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Thank you for not boning my boss.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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