i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
