3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
