That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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