Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
