So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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