I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
