i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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