Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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