Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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