It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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