Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
