I wish my penis had an off switch
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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