I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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