Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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