I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
As shirtless as possible
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
