how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
