If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
