tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
