I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
