my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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