So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
