The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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