Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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