Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
