He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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