Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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