Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
