Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize