I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
