The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
