he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize