he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
