Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
