remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
