I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
