please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
