she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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