pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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