I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
