She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
