Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
